


Doomed

by ailaikannu



Series: Letters From a Shattered Heart [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Drama because I love drama, F/F, Falling for your straight best friend, Series of letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-20
Updated: 2016-08-20
Packaged: 2018-08-09 22:57:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7820539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ailaikannu/pseuds/ailaikannu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first of many letters Lexa writes to describe what it feels like to fall for your straight best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doomed

Whoever you are,

                           You fall in love with your straight best friend. How cliché, right ?

It doesn’t even break hearts anymore. Well, except for mine, of course.

There was a specific moment in our friendship when I looked at her and thought “I’m fucked”. There was something about her that kept me awake at night. I tried telling myself that it was normal, that what I was feeling was love for a friend. I realized soon after that it was much more than that.

When you wake up with one person in mind and go to bed with the same person’s name still lingering on your lips… You know something’s not right. Or very right, depending on your situation.

In my case, it was extremely wrong.

It still is, if you want me to be honest.

The problem is that I think about her even when I’m busy. My mind never stops wandering to her. Her eyes are all I see when I close mine. Her smile is to die for. And I promise you, her laughter is like classical music to my ears.

I tried to get over it. I got myself a girlfriend, it never worked out. I just couldn’t take my mind off her. Maybe living right next to her doesn’t help with my cause. I can see her bedroom from mine, we used to climb on the tree that stands between our houses to get together. When we were younger, it was about eating chocolate together when our parents were already asleep, then it became smoking cigarettes on the roof at three in the morning and now it’s talking for hours even when we have school in the morning.

I remember one night in particular.

_I open the window enough for my body to slide through the opening and sit on the roof, patiently waiting for Clarke to arrive. She gets there shortly after, tequila bottle in one hand, a packet of cigarettes in the other._

_“You need to stop smoking.” I tell her, my voice stern. We’re sixteen, nothing seems to matter._

_“Oh, shut up.” She laughs at me. “You always steal my cigarettes on our nights out here.”_

_I’m slightly offended by her statement. “I do not.”_

_“Yes, you do !”_

_I pout at her, pretending to be offended as she throws a cigarette at me. “Lighter ?” I ask her._

_She shrugs. “You know I never have one.”_

_I don’t know why I still bother asking. “Luckily for you, I have one.”_

_“I know you do.” She says and that damn grin of hers comes back. As if haunting my dreams wasn’t enough._

_I light her cigarette before lighting mine and we smoke in silence before she decides it’s time to open the bottle she brought. I’m really glad she brought that bottle of tequila, because tonight I’m going to tell her something I’ve been hiding for quite a while and I’m not sure how she’ll react to it. I grab the bottle from her hands and take a sip. Well, a bit more than a sip._

_“Yo, tiger ! You alright ?” Clarke says, trying to hide her concerned expression with a laugh._

_I nod my head, deciding I don’t trust my voice to speak. I take another sip before clearing my voice._

_“Okay, listen up.” I begin. She looks curiously at me. “I need to tell you something, I just don’t know how.”_

_“Whatever it is, you know you can tell me.”_

_I know I can. I’m just afraid she won’t like it._

_“I thought about how to tell you this for a long time, I never found the right words. I decided like ten minutes ago I was just going to go for it.”_

_She nods her head, encouraging me to go on._

_“I’m a lesbian.”_

_She looks unfazed by my statement. “And ?”_

_A confused frown appears on my face. “That’s about it.”_

_She laughs loudly at my frown and takes both my hands to hold. “I’ve known you since you were two years old. I’m pretty sure I knew before you did.”_

_I’m a bit taken aback. “Well, you could have told me.”_

And now, as I think about it, I realize I could have never asked for a better best friend. Of course the plan didn’t include falling for her, but that’s another story.

My phone lights up, her name appears on my screen. She’s calling me.

“Hello, Clarke.”

“I just wished you could sound a tad more excited to hear my voice.”

I think about it for a second. “Thank God it’s you, my dear best friend ! I didn’t realize my life made no sense till you came stumbling in it !” I yell into the receiver.

I hear her laughing on the other side. “That’s better. Haven’t heard your voice in such a long time ! How are you, commander ?”

“I already told you to stop with the whole commander thing.” I tell her, a fake annoyance to my voice. “I’m alright, what about you ?”

“We all know you love being called commander.” I really do, but it’s a secret nobody’s supposed to know of. “I’m okay, and there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“What is it ?”

She hesitates for a moment. “I am dating someone.”

My heart stops. I can promise you I can feel it physically stop inside my chest. Am I breathing ? No, I’m not breathing. Everything has stopped for a moment. My head is spinning and my lungs don’t collaborate, not allowing me to breathe properly. I feel like the world has stopped around me and I hear her voice ringing through my ears.

“Lexa ?”

“Uh, yeah.” My chest feels heavy. “Wow, that’s good… I’m really happy for you.”

“Yeah, me too ! You should totally meet him.”

Yeah, so that I can ran him over with my car. “I’d love to. Too bad you guys are like 500 miles from here.”

We talk for a few more minutes before I hang up with a lame excuse. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry forever. I knew this would happen. I knew she would find someone. I knew I had to expect it.

And yet, I didn’t.

I had convinced myself it wouldn’t happen. I had convinced myself I’d be over her when it happened. And now everything’s going to waste.

My heart is screaming for me to calm down.

The only thing that keeps me going is that we will both leave for college in about two weeks. Right now, she’s with her father’s side of the family, she’ll be back in about a week and we’ll have one final week together, before parting.

I know it’s selfish, but I can’t wait to leave for college.

There’s going to be a whole country between us. I really hope that will give my heart the chance to recover from all the soreness and pain being in love with her caused.

When she Clarke does come back from her vacation, she comes running to my bedroom and I’m still asleep. She starts yelling for me to wake up and I feel weird the moment I see her excited face.

I smile at her and gesture for her to sit on my bed. She does as told, wrapping me in a tight embrace.

“I missed you.” She whispers.

My head tells me she didn’t. Not the way I missed her. “I missed you too.”

She starts telling me all about her two-month vacation with her father, describing all the places she saw, all the things she ate. Then the dreaded topic comes up.

“His name is Finn.” She says.

I smile weakly at her. “What is he like ?”

She grabs her phone, showing me her screensaver. “He looks nice.” I tell her, looking at the picture of the two of them smiling at the camera.

“That’s it ?” She asks, her left eyebrow raised to almost touch her hairline.

“Yeah ?”

She looks disappointed. “Well, he is nice. And we’re going to the same college, so that’s a plus.”

“I’m glad you found him.” I lie. She smiles and decides it’s better to let go. We spend our last week together just eating junk food, pissing off our mothers and watching movies all day long. We’ve always been like this and we thought our last actual week together should be just about us.

I feel awful on our last night together.

We’re sitting on the roof, a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes between us. We don’t talk much, just enjoying our last hours together.

“Do you remember the first night we came up here ?” She asks.

“Yes. I didn’t want to.” I tell her. “You begged me.”

“And you gave up when I showed you the bar of chocolate.”

“Of course I did, my mother wouldn’t let me eat chocolate. You already knew how to bribe someone at the age of seven.”

“I saw it in movies, thought it’d be fun. I was right.”

“Yeah, you were right.” My voice trails off, a we stay there silently for a few more minutes before Clarke speaks again.

“How do you feel about leaving ?”

“I’m happy about it.” I shrug.

“I’m highly offended !” She says, trying to sound annoyed by my words.

I look at her for a second, and I can feel my heart pounding loudly in my chest. Then, suddenly, tears are flowing down my cheeks and I’m sobbing loudly.

“Hey, I was joking !” She says, rushing to hug me. I stop her, with shaky hands. “What’s wrong ?”

“I love you.” I whisper.

“I know you do, I love you too.”

I stop for a second, then look at her. I’m staring right into her eyes. “No, Clarke. I _love_ you.”

I can’t believe I just said that. It wasn’t the plan. I was meant to let her go to college and forget about her.

She looks at me with a confused frown on her face.

 Then it hits her. It hits her so hard I believe I see her legs trembling, even if she’s sitting.

“Oh.” She says.

We’re silent for a moment, the only sounds I can hear are my sobs and Clarke’s laboured breathing.

“I…” She begins. “Are you sure ? How long have you known ?”

“I am sure, yes. I realized it was romantic love three years ago, maybe four.”

“But ?”

“But…” I hesitate. “I think it started a lot earlier than that.”

She covers her face with both her hands. “You should have told me.”

“I couldn’t lose you.” I state, still avoiding her gaze.

“Why did you think it’d mean losing me ?”

“Because falling for your straight best friend means losing her, it’s always like that.”

“I care too much about you to let you go.” She says. “You should know that.”

“I know that. I just can’t do this anymore. I want to leave tomorrow and start a new life.”

“Without me ?”

I nod my head slowly.

“Okay.” She says. “If that’s what you need.”

She looks at me for one last time, with sad, heavy eyes. “Just remember that I love you.” She whispers, before going back to her window and closing it behind her back for one last time.

I see her standing in front of her window, with her back turned at me. I can see that she’s shaking lightly, and her hands are still covering her face. The shaking increases as time goes on, and she never moves from her spot in front of the window.

I look at her with sad eyes, tears still streaming down my face.

Then Clarke turns around to face me and I promise you, her eyes are killing me. We stare at each other, sharing the same degree of pain, for two different reasons.

We both know we lost something we cherished.

She lost her best friend and I lost the love of my life.

I wish she knew I’ll love her forever.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Whoever I am

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if this is not what you expected.  
> I probably wrote this with the wrong mindset, there might be a happy ending.


End file.
